私の襟懐で日記

I love playing the guitar. But I strive for excellence and am shy of mediocre work.

So why am I posting? Simply because I saw a young guy play in TST today; he had only an acoustic guitar and an amp that did double duty for his instrument and mic.

He wasn't fantastic, but he was good. The playing was solid and I was proud of him. He was doing something that I wish I had the bravery to do. My friend and I often play on weekends, but I'm always too shy to sing and play alone, even at home. This may not seem strange to you, reader, but to me, it is moronic. The reason is, I have sung my entire life. I'm even trained. I've been on stage. I was singing in elementary school, in secondary school, and in University. So why am I so nervous now? Who knows. But I should get over it.

Maybe I'll start posting my playing here. who knows.

After a massive investment in 2009, I've been reduced to eating tuna sandwiches for the past 5 months. Well no more! Loans have been paid off and life is going to be good. First thing I need to do...set up some savings. Which I guess means more sandwiches.

The whole point of this is because living at home at 28 years old is getting really old. With the prospect of a new job this spring and with a decent commission structure, I should be out on my own before I'm 30.

Goal for 2010...move out.

New years resolution: I shall blog more.

Couldn't find a good place to start; so i guess i'll go with the fact that I wish i could still go to church.

Organised religion doesn't sit well with me cause I don't like people telling me what I can or cannot believe. I'll say it here, once my pastor gave a sermon on the evils of homosexuality. I then agreed with him. Upon leaving the church, I realised how much of a crock of shit his sermon was.

I left that day and never went back.

I think there was a jesus, but he was probably egyptian/african/middle-eastern. (This would explain the ridiculous persecution.) And God is definitely not omni-benevolent. He's got a sense of humour and a dark-side. They say evil is the absence of God, but they then say that God is everywhere; I wish they'd make up their minds.

Here is the first entry of 2010. 08 and 09 were big years for me, I'll write about them more later, but for now, please make due with this brain-fart.

-Kim out.

Don't really know where I wanted to put this, but I wanted it somewhere I can read back on it whenever nostalgia hits.

If you don't get it, it's ok, next please. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling quite good; no drama.

Quite happy to inform that I'm not completely sucking at work. Professionally, good things are happening this week. Personally, things are quieting down. Closing on my first deal on Wednesday, I'm very excitied. On an opposite note, I've found that I have less things to say lately. I mostly talk to avoid awkward silences; what the hell is up with that? Kinda weird.




Is this not the face of success?
Zhu Hai, China

-Kim out.

May was quite hectic, between finishing my finals, tackling the professional communications project, and looking for work, I didn't really have much time to relax. June came around soon after and the job search intensified to the point where time wasn't really invested into anything else. Reason that I desperately wanted to get a job before I turned twenty-five. A long time ago, somewhere in the back of my mind, I had given myself this firm deadline. As my logic worked it out, since high school had finished at eighteen, and university would take four years, this provided a good two to three year buffer to experience life. Seven years down the line, here I am sitting in the office on saturday, with plans to come in tomorrow, thinking...am I ready for the real world?

"You need to grow up," is perhaps the most common phrase that my boss tells repeats daily. The funny thing is: after so many years in so many different part-time jobs, many of which were located within offices similar to this one, I still feel like a child trying to be a man. In the last week though, I've come to understand why this uneasy malaise has affected me so. Sparsely in this period, there have been little tiny moments where I feel qualified in doing my job. And as quickly as the feeling can come, next thing I know, I'm back to being that confused little boy. These moments are not for dwelling in, as there is little privilege to do so around here. However eventually, the feeling should start lasting longer eventually spanning the whole day. It was when I was thinking about this point when it struck me, adulthood doesn't come all at once. And though fearful as I may be of it (which I assure you, reader, that I very much am,) it is not a scary thing.

With everything that happened in the last week, I tried retreating to a pit of sentimental sadness, but it became very much clear that the sweetness of this kind of pain was no longer here. The romanticism of it was replaced by a clear understanding that not only was I too old for adolescent sentiments, but that it would be a waste of my time, which has become increasingly valuable as of late. Maybe it had finally started, I was beginning to let go of my childhood. I guess it's my turn to step up.

-Kim out.

The week has been a blur, my chest felt full the whole time, full of something I haven't felt since I was seventeen looking at one R.Drumm. Like always, I've been keeping it to myself. From an emotion sharing point of view, I feel like the Kool-Aid man's tight fisted, nectar retaining, miser of a cousin.

Drinking with the company was a bit disappointing, perhaps because I didn't drink enough. Though one can hardly qualify continuous alcohol consumption from the hours of one p.m. to three a.m. as being underweight. Perhaps it was because I didn't have my desired company, but had to block that out from my left brain as my right ear attuned to a friend's distress: though it appears to be dented and emerald, please understand that I wield the Bat Phone at all times, forever on-call for action.

Went to Macau yesterday; great sights, great food, and company I'm falling for. Not to be, perhaps. Too many stories, too much prose, having seen the outcome from the start: I hate it when I'm right. Moreover, I had my first fly solo client meeting today, going to kwai fong gave me time to catch up on sleep, but the effectiveness of it is questionable since I'm rather certain I'm going to stay numb for a while.

Can't fight fate, can we? I wonder just how long I can stay kind in a place like Hong Kong where every effort is echoed by disappointment. Whether it's picking up the scattered innards of a stranger's fallen purse and being glared at with contempt, or to rushedly open a door for a man worn by old age and receiving no notice, to believe that my effort meant anything at all is to continue looking through these rosy coloured glasses. When I've invested so much of myself into it, I'm not sure I can afford to trip over the phased out truth. Today was a good example, I knocked the meeting out of the park and now I'm likely going to bank huge figures, but the laboured fruits lacked its usual sweetness and was replaced by a longing void.

My coworker said that I'm reliable, and that's why I get taken for a fool. So imagine the irony of it all when I was told that my softness was a sign that I couldn't be relied upon to protect. But 25 has its perks, the younger me wouldn't have been able to handle such a comment, such a frustration. But, again, 25 has its flaws, I had to stop myself from entering the void because there are those that rely on me to hold it shut for them.

Solace can be taken in the fact that I chose this stage, not the one the game has forced me to play.

Should I play for your sake? Or should I play for mine? One nets you what you need. The other nets that which I cannot find.

I finally cracked a bit this morning as my right eye got misty, my iPod Nano remedied that. Thanks Al.

---

Just now, a wonderful idea hit me mid-shower: when I move out, I'm going to take a set of photos of my closest and hang or place them in a line on the hall way. The theme will be 'the pose or look that best shows who you are.' It'll be great.

I'm looking forward to moving already.

-Kim out.

It's odd thinking about what achievements should be attempted now that actual full-time employment has taken place. In the last month, I've started compiling a to-do list under the reasoning that excelling at my work should not be my only goal in life. Nor should the pursuit of money. Knowing myself, without constant (sometimes divine) reminder, it would be easy for me to fall into the trap of living for lust, prestige, entertainment, and wealth.

After all this talk of the nervousness and stressfulness that preceded and intercedes work, I haven't gone into much detail about what I do for the reasons of internet anonymity and lethargy. I'll attempt to be succinct as this is the new habit I'm trying to form. Yes, I fully understand that this goes against the nature of good writing (and blogging) but here goes: I find the right jobs for people and the right people for jobs.

Simple, right? Well, as academics are concerned, it is. When it comes to managing social networks, however, it may be the equivalent to a doctorate.

When I go out with new people, whether for platonic or non-platonic reasons, I'm sometimes asked the question, 'How would you describe yourself?' Under most circumstances I'm not privileged enough to be honest; therefore, I reply with, "Lucky and content." Which is exactly how I would like to project myself to people now. However, since you, the reader, didn't randomly come to my journal, I'll can afford to be honest with you: "Socially awkward" would be the term that suits me best. I'm not a bad person, I don't superficially reject people, I don't use people, and I certainly don't abuse people. In fact, I hold doors and fight to defend both mom and old ladies on the street.

However, asking me to be normal is asking for the impossible. I'm too wrapped up in my own head and I can't stop over analysing every single one of my perceivable faults.

In this way, God has been funny, yet good to me. He's given me a really big challenge. The chance has finally come for me to get over myself.

In an industry of where super-human social astuteness is required, I'm going to learn how to give people more than a second chance, but a likely third, fourth, or umpteenth one. This is an industry where I'm going to learn grace in the face of rejection and pressure. Employers don't always need our employees and vice-versa. The realm I'm dealing in is lacking in loyalties, but I guess that's what the Lord has to deal with also. I'll try to finish my devotionals, because my job can be a source of darkness also. With his guidance and strength, I am going to get good at my job, lose the shackles of social awkwardness, and walk in the light.

I'm not going to try to do it, I'm simply going to do it. I'll do it not because I'm strong, but because I'm weak. My weakness will allow me to tap in to the greatest strength there is: Him.

-Kim out.

Work is good today, I'm learning a lot about a whole host of different things. However, I'm saddened at learning about the atrocity that has occurred in Iraq.

I won't go into the detail, but please read below:
Soldiers charged in Iraq rape-murder case

I'm all for democracy, but this is the kind of thing that motivate people to plan attacks like that of 9/11 and 7/7.

-Kim out.